Helen, Call The Embassy!

Bone Jurrrr, I said McCainly, feeling like the biggest jerk since jerks came to jerk town. I stumbled and asked for un baguette. Blah-son-dix, she replied. Son? I responded, quite jerkishly and poured a handful of change into her hands as if to say, “How much is this many?” The woman laughed at me and asked if I was English. Yes, I replied. A masterful play if I may say so myself. And with that, I had succeeded in my French experience: a real life French person mistook me for a Red Coat.

So, I’ve formed a pidgeon language that has treated me well. Tonight I got to showcase my throaty Rs and non-existent ings and ois at a restaurant called Afghani. As we got to our seats, it occured to me that if pictures of Barack Obama eating at this restaurant were to surface, he would have no chance of winning the election. Oh Jesus. As I write this, I’m reading an article about how Obama and some old guy who is still like thirty years younger than McCain, want to bomb everything, especially America.

Well, McCain is super old. Do you want this guy running the country? No, he’d probably ask for 700 billion dollars to bailout Long John Silver. Or make not pipe smoking illegal. Or mandate that everyone have single earrings and love seagulls. In summation, old people, fishermen, Alaskans, old people fishing in Alaska and single ear ringers shouldn’t be allowed to be President.

Anyway, Afghan food is tres bien. Spicy and yogurty and legumey with sometimes beef. Another awesome food update is that baguettes are good. REALLY good. And the cheese. I ate maybe a quarter pound of cheese today.

Also, I got a cell phone today. The number is 0643018258. As my adoring fans, I beg you to not all call me all at once. To avoid this catastrophe, feel free to text me as often as possible. Seriously, any time you feel like it. It cost’s me literally nothing. And I’m cheap as hell.



2 Responses to “Helen, Call The Embassy!”

  1. Luke Says:

    I can think of no better antidote to eight years of firebombing global diplomacy than Zack and Julie…only if antidote meant accelerant and Zack and Julie meant “only Zack.”Keep up the fine work-the world seems to be going up in flames anyway, you can’t make it that much worse with your personal crusade to make all bathrooms unisex.

  2. Jordan Says:

    you are a funny poopbutt.

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